5 Tips for Leaving an Abuser

I spent seven years in an abusive marriage. I wanted to leave for years before I actually left. Most of what held me back was fear. I was afraid of him and how he would react. I was afraid that I would have nowhere to go. I was afraid I would have no money or resources. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to keep my dogs. I was afraid that I wouldn’t make it and would have to go back knowing that things would get even worse because of what I had done. All that fear was so immobilizing. The thought of anyone else ever going through what I went through makes my heart ache. I have compiled some of the strategies I used to get out in the hopes that it might help someone else out there who is in that same pain that I was in.

Getting away requires some cash saved up. This is critical because as soon as it becomes known that you have left, your credit cards will most likely get shut down in an attempt to block you from resources. Credit cards can also be used to track where you’ve been so even if you don’t get shut out, it is not advisable to use them if you are escaping an abusive situation. So cash is essential. If your partner is anything like mine was, he monitors the finances closely. I was not able to just make large withdrawals without drawing attention. A trick for getting around that is to get little bits of cash back at the grocery store each time you shop. If you take $20-$40 in cash back each time, it blends in with the rest of the grocery shopping. The cash back will not show on the credit card. Lose the receipt and you will have lost all trace of the cash.

Once you begin stockpiling cash, you will also need a secure place to keep it that your partner will not find. It should be somewhere they never look and somewhere you can make a fast grab once you are ready to go. I kept mine in an envelope stuffed in a pair of jeans that didn’t fit me anymore in the back of my pants drawer. My partner did not do laundry so I felt safe keeping it there.

Ideally, the stockpile should also include a “burner phone” that you will use once you make your getaway. Have some key phone numbers that you will need either written down or pre-programmed into your burner.

Planning your getaway will most likely require some research. In an abusive situation it is important to keep that research secret. Public computers are available to use at public libraries everywhere. They only require a library card. I found it much easier to do research on these computers because I did not have to worry about being walked in on while doing it. Any research that I did do on a personal computer I made sure to clear the browser history. But only the browser history of the things I wouldn’t want him to see. If you clear everything it is obvious that it’s been cleared. Clearing only the things you don’t want discovered and keeping the “innocent” things will be less likely to alert your abuser that you are up to something.

For a quicker getaway, you can have a drawer that is already organized in a way that you can grab and go. So, you would have “organized” this drawer in your house to contain the clothes and personal supplies you would need for a few days. This eliminates the need to spend time packing if you are in a hurry on the day of your escape.

Or at the very least block your abuser’s number and turn off the tracking. If you think in a moment of weakness you might take the abuser’s call, leave it behind. Write down a few key numbers you want to have and use a cheap “burner style” phone that you have stockpiled. Keep in mind that any number you contact or that contacts you will show up on your cell phone bill so nothing that happens on the phone your partner knows about will be private.

There will be so many feelings during this time. Fear. Grief. Anger. All of it. You are not alone and it does get better. It’s ok to feel the feelings. It’s part of the process and it all passes in time.

This is in no way a comprehensive list of strategies to leave an abusive relationship and I am by no means a trained professional. I am just a survivor stating what I found useful. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help out there. You do not have to do it alone. Call ​​1.800.799.7233​ for assistance.

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