How to Be More Empathetic in One Easy Step

Empathy is a crucial skill in any line of work and any relationship, personal or professional. We throw the word around a lot but seldom really dig into what empathy feels and looks like in action and how to develop it if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

Empathy is not just thinking about someone’s feelings with your brain. That more closely fits into the category of sympathy, where you just feel kind of sorry for someone. Empathy is stepping into someone’s feelings by bringing up similar feelings of your own.

If you want to become more empathetic, you have to be able to access your own emotions. This in turn allows you to perform an action called perspective-taking, which is when you see and feel something from someone else’s point of view.

The problem for a lot of people is that they would rather just leave their emotions alone. It’s not that they aren’t CAPABLE of accessing their emotions (we’re not talking sociopaths here), it’s that feelings are safer when they’re contained. When your emotions are snug in a locked vault in a corner of your brain, you are in control. Rational thought reigns. Huzzah, logic!

Hey, I thought you said one EASY step? Sorry, that was marketing. For some of us, empathy comes easier. These are the people who tend to lead with their emotions. Our difficulty is recognizing when we need to be more in the thinking than feeling mindset. (Legit some of us need to go buy a vault and give our emotions a bit of a staycation). Others default to thinking over feeling. Hear me, one of these defaults is not better or worse than the other. We’re all wired differently and it’s okay! Balance between thinking and feeling is actually the ideal.

But empathy lies in the domain of feeling. So if you want to be a more empathetic person, you’ve got to access the feeling domain. It’s just how it is.

For those who tend to default to logic and facts, it can be a challenge to open up that emotion vault. Why? Well, one, you aren’t used to doing it. It’s not a habit. Thinking is your preset. Emotions don’t always seem rational on the surface and logic makes you feel like things are safe, predictable, and controllable.

Oh, but now we’re on to something. There’s a deeper reason. Fear. Pulling up an emotion from the depths so that you can sit in someone’s else’s emotion with them might require you to remember and feel pain again. Pain that the other person can see, which now makes you vulnerable. Allowing yourself to feel and show pain can be scary, and doesn’t sound like a super fun thing to do all the time.

But let’s really get in there. Along with pain may come feelings of weakness and a loss of control. For some, this lands them in spot where they can’t fix their emotions and can’t fix your emotions, and couldn’t fix the emotions of their past which makes them feel like they’re a worthless human being. Ah, now we have it. A core belief. Shame. A niggling sensation that you really aren’t good enough. That who you are is a failure. And this is the thing that you prefer to keep buried under all the other emotions in your vault. It’s the underlying thing that causes you to put the defenses up when you sense feelings coming at you. You are protecting the most vulnerable part of you. And that actually makes a whole lot of sense.

If you’re not already very empathetic, you’ve got to identify and understand the barriers you have towards emotion so that you can break them down. Which is actually a very rational process. [You’re welcome]. This is the first step. Once you do this, you can then start practicing empathy and turn it into a habit. At some point it will become more automatic and you won’t have to go through this deep process all the time.

So I know what you thinkers are probably thinking…all this feeling without action is useless and unproductive. Not so fast. If you’re someone who prefers problem-solving and action-oriented steps, then I have good news for you! Empathy IS an action! You are literally making a conscious step to do something to help someone else feel heard and understood.

Empathy is bravery! You are helping shoulder a weight. Sometimes all someone needs to feel better is a truly empathetic ear. But sometimes if you’re empathetic first, the other person will allow you to help them with MORE action steps! Like maybe even ones that challenge them. Ooh. For you problem-solvers out there, using empathy first really does reap problem-solving dividends for you and others.

So what are YOUR action steps? How do you access your emotion vault?

I’ve already walked you through the first step: understanding why. Sit in some self-reflection to dig down to your core beliefs. Be honest with yourself and look these unpleasant aspects of who you are in the eye.

But you and I both know change can’t stop at understanding. Once you feel like you’ve got some understanding of what your issues are (and hey, we ALL have issues), it’s time to practice moving past emotional barriers with some real live humans. When another human brings you their emotions:

Remember, you’re not going to be perfect at this empathy thing all the time. The important part is growth. And in the times when you aren’t so great at it, that’s when you need to show some empathy towards yourself.

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