Happiness

I have been waiting on the phone for the last 40 minutes to speak to a customer service representative from Air Canada. I am trying to rebook a flight, but I can not get a hold of anyone. I slept in this morning, and now my day feels like it is speeding by. The temptation to look at porn is growing, and I wonder why I can’t just shake it. I suppose porn is like the rest of the things that are bad for me in life. I know that I have to leave them but I so desperately want them to remain in my life.

I suppose the fundamental issue is not so much the presence of these things in my life, because the reality is that porn, sugar, and television are not going to go away anytime soon, and likely never. Although I can certainly try to control their presence in my life, it is unlikely that I will ever be able to minimize their presence so much that my temptation to use them will entirely fade. Instead, I think I have to realize that I possess the gift of self control, a gift that I can choose to exercise at any point in time.

Every day I wake up and tell myself that I will fail. I tell myself that I will not be able to commit to my goals and see them through. I tell myself that I possess some character flaw which prevents me from becoming like the people that I admire, the people who are disciplined and who achieve the goals that they set for themselves. I wonder why though. Why do I undermine myself day in and day out? Perhaps it is because I don’t really want to take on the responsibility of someone who achieves their goals, because that would mean doing things that I do not always want to do. It would mean addressing challenging problems when they occur rather than avoiding them until they can be avoided no longer. It would mean being happy and having no reason to complain about being unhappy other than because of my own action or inaction.

I suppose I must make a decision between two challenges. The first challenge is the one where I take responsibility for my happiness and act responsibly to maximize it. The second is the one where I do not take responsibility, I am unhappy, but I never have to blame myself for my own unhappiness. I have been operating in the latter of these two frameworks for the majority of my life, but I see the importance of changing how I operate if I am ever to live the satisfying life that I want and everyone deserves.

Day 7.

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